


Anytime

by melianthegreat



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Impending death/disaster, Love, M/M, Mentions of Richard's Accident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 08:56:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10738383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melianthegreat/pseuds/melianthegreat
Summary: Richard and James are happy in their engagement, but when Hammond has another accident that could have been worse, James starts to reconsider if he can spend his life with him. What can bring them back together?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a couple of warnings: first, this is rated Explicit mainly for language, though there may be other reasons later. Second, this story was inspired by the motorcycle accident Richard Hammond had in Mozambique filming the new season of the Grand Tour, so there are mentions of it and the 2006 crash. If you don't feel comfortable about such things, I apologize and you've been warned.
> 
> This is the second story I posted based on a song. Part of the lyric is below:

See a dog upon the road  
Running hard to catch a cat  
The car is pulling to a halt  
The truck behind me doesn't know.  
Everything is in the balance of a moment I can't control  
And your sympathetic strings are like the stirrings in my soul.  
I could go anytime.  
There's nothing safe about this life. 

Find the meaning of the act,  
Remember how it goes.  
Every time you take the water you swim against the flow.  
When the world is all around us, the days are flying past.  
And fear is so contagious  
But I'm not afraid to laugh.  
I could go anytime.  
There's nothing safe about this life.  
I could go anytime. 

_\--Neil Finn_


	2. The Stirrings in My Soul

Every time James shut his eyes he could see it. There was no denial to hide behind, no separating his mind from the words. He saw it, it happened in front of him. Hammond was on his bike, from the speed James could tell how good he was feeling. From riding bikes himself James knew part of the joy of riding a bike was your mastery over the machine. Sure, you got that with certain cars, like his Ferraris or Hammond's 911s. Mastery of a bike, though, was special. And James could see Richard possessed mastery. 

Then, suddenly, it went all wrong. James could see the bike slip out from under Richard's body and slide away. Richard slammed into the road hard, instantly going limp, tumbling over and over like a rag doll. Richard's helmet took a hell of a beating, but at least he was wearing one. Still, James could see the way Hammond hit the road and came to a stop unnaturally still and knew he’d done more than knock the wind out of himself.

“Fuck, Hammond did a wipeout,” he heard one of the sound guys mutter over the radio. Then James found himself running toward Richard, Jeremy right beside him. 

“Fucking hell, Rich,” Clarkson breathed, nearly in tears. Jeremy had been with Hammond in Namibia, when it was thought he'd done a big one off a sand dune; that had turned out a false alarm. Hearing Clarkson’s voice alone told James this was bad, even if he hadn't seen it himself. 

The crew members somehow ended up swarmed around Richard before either James or Jeremy got there. “We’ve got to get him help,” Andy Wilman, who was supervising the episode, said with a worried tone.

“But we're hours from help out here,” James replied, trying to stay calm. “We're in Mozambique, not Cheltenham.”

With a nod from Andy Jeremy stepped in. “Come on,” he answered softly, though his blue eyes radiated fear. “You know our medical team, real top notch. Let them tend to Hammond. Then they'll load him up and get him to hospital. Like you in Syria.”

James started awake sitting in a plastic chair that did no good for his bad back. Richard was now asleep, not unconscious; he had fully awoken in the back of the medical team's vehicle after roughly 20 minutes, and considering his history, a trip to hospital was considered prudent, as was the hospital's diagnosis of a moderate concussion and insistence of two days’ stay for observation. James ran a hand over his face to shake the fatigue just as Jeremy reappeared in the room with two cups of tea. 

“I thought you might like this,” Jeremy whispered to him. 

“Thanks, Jezza,” James nodded as he took a sip and noted its slightly clinical flavor. 

“How is he?” Jeremy asked. “Any change?” 

“Still sleeping,” James answered. “They knocked him out pretty good.  
He’ll sleep awhile.”

“Good,” Jeremy grinned slightly. “How about you? Where's your head at?”

James was silent a moment. “I keep seeing it,” he finally stated. “I see the bike slide, I see him tumble…” he paused. “For half a second I flashed on everything that happened before. The first accident, Canada, the pneumonia, Carol Whitby. And...this is the first time something like this has happened and we're in a place where I can't be his fiance. I can't comfort him. I’m not allowed to hold his hand should I have needed to…” he blinked back tears. “Why does he take so many chances?”

Jeremy placed his hand on James’ back. “I could give you a trite answer and say if he didn't he wouldn't be the Richard Hammond we know and love,” he began. “But at moments like these I tend to ask the same question myself. Right now I want to wake the little bastard up and throttle him over this. I want Wilman to threaten to fire his arse over being reckless. I want Jeff Bezos to issue a public statement saying the horrific death of a presenter is not what Amazon pays us for. And then I want the followers on DriveTribe to crawl up his arse with a microscope over it.”

Jeremy hadn't noticed his voice had been steadily rising above a whisper with his venting until he saw Hammond stir slightly and frown. “James…” he whispered groggily, as if it would inflict more pain to speak louder.

James gingerly stood and leaned over the bed. “I'm here,” he whispered reassuringly.

“You're getting louder as you speak, mate,” he said after a moment. “You don't get loud unless we're doing something...you know…”

“The orangutan is here,” James answered with a slight grin. 

“Oh,” Richard stated. There was a pause. “Let's go to sleep, huh? I'm tired and have a headache.”

“Yeah,” James answered softly. He glanced up half a second at the doorway, then reached down and gently kissed Richard on the lips. Richard sighed and fell asleep again.

“Stretch out on that sofa over there and try to sleep,” Jeremy said low to James. “I’ll watch the Hamster.” James nodded, at this point too tired to put up much of an argument. The couch was uncomfortable and felt as if a piece of wood had been placed under the cushions for support, and James was asleep as soon as as he placed the throw pillow under his head.

***

_James was walking down a familiar hallway of a familiar hospital, walking toward a conference room. He entered, many people drinking coffee and tea and reading the newspapers. From the lack of response there was nothing new to report. He sat by himself at the far end of the table._

_Mindy entered the room and everyone looked up. Her eyes, however, were laser-focused on James. He stood up to greet her. That's when the hand swung around and made contact with his face, the slap echoing. “You selfish bastard!” she screamed at him._

_“What?” James asked, stunned. “What's happened? Is it Hammond?”_

_“His doctors are telling me he’ll never come out of the coma,” she announced bitterly. “His brain is too damaged.” Mindy started to weep, and James reached over to pull her close. Instead she backed away. “My God, Richard thought of you as his mate,” she continued in tears. “My girls call you Uncle James. You were supposed to do this stunt, James. Instead you couldn't be bothered and you handed it off to Richard. Now he's lying here in a coma and I’ll never have him back and it's all your fault! How can you live with yourself, you son of a **BITCH?!** ”_

James forced himself to wake up. For a moment there was uncertainty, not clear where he was. He had to remind himself he was on a couch in a hospital room in Africa, and Richard was alive and well. It was a nightmare he used to have, back in the bad old days.

The bad old days had never quite gone away, if he was perfectly honest with himself. The dreams had never really stopped from the time of Richard's first accident. He’d learned to accept what they were, what they meant. But he'd never really conquered them, just changed them into something different. James thought every time he’d gone awhile without the nightmares maybe he’d defeated them at last, with time and Richard's love. Then something would happen--an injury, an illness, a risky challenge--and it would start all over again.

He stared longingly at the image in front of him. Jeremy was still sitting in the infernal plastic chair, but his head was planted on the mattress and he was asleep. Richard's hand was gently resting on top of Jeremy's head as if the touch of the other man’s hair was comfort. James knew Richard did this a lot, sometimes waking in the dark to feel Richard stroking his hair. James felt a stab of regret deep inside. There were still countries in the world where his relationship with Richard would be illegal; here in Mozambique they had decided to keep their distance, just in case, though James suspected the medical staff was turning a blind eye. But it meant in times like this James could be nothing more than a friend, could only receive news as a medical proxy, not a loved one, could make no legal decisions on Richard's behalf. And no marriage certificate from any other country would change that. They were yet to marry anyway. But even if they’d handled that already, in this country, in any country, they would be single. Something about that hurt.

It hurt more than James wanted to believe.


	3. Find the Meaning of the Act

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a tough section to write. I knew sooner or later I'd have to do it, but it wasn't fun.

_James floored it on the motorway as soon as he was clear of the merging traffic. BBC Radio wasn't a news outlet given to exaggerating, or speculating. So when they announced Richard had been hurt badly and was in Intensive Care in Leeds, he knew it to be nothing but stone cold truth. He had to get there. He ignored the messages on his phone from Andy, no doubt telling him of Hammond's crash, just jumped into his car and took off. At least he had a car that would get him there._

_He fought through the pack of reporters camped outside, barely able to see the entrance from the flashbulbs on the cameras. Just before the entrance Andy stopped him. “The lobby is overrun with them,” he whispered in James’ ear, “you’ll never get through. We have an entrance to the side here. I’ll show you.”_

_They made it inside and down a hallway to Intensive Care. Only to see Jeremy slumped against the wall outside a waiting room. A lump of dread settled in his throat. “Jez?” he asked._

_Jeremy looked up at him, eyes swimming in tears. “He’s gone,” he managed to choke out. “Hammond...he didn't make it.” He sobbed. “Oh dear God...he didn't…” Jeremy broke down completely, James standing next to him trying to comprehend what he was hearing._

James was sobbing and trembling violently when he awoke alone. On this trip he had a separate room and Hammond wasn't supposed to be released from the hospital until tomorrow. “He’s alive,” he kept whispering to himself. “It's okay, just a dream, he’s alive.”

It was still dark outside, and James stared at his cellphone for the time, sighing when he realized it was only 3:30 AM. He wasn't going back to sleep quickly. He lay down and did the only thing he knew he could do: he began to think.

It was as if the last several years didn't exist, James noted. The nightmares were the same as he’d had in 2006, as he’d had all that time after. Emotionally he was back to the beginning, that feeling of confusion and helplessness, of wanting to help and not knowing how, of wondering when the next shoe would drop and Richard would be taken away. James loved Richard dearly, enough where James had tried to put his fear aside in order to do two TV series with him. Logically he knew everyone, including Richard, was being careful, taking all the precautions they could. But he knew accidents did happen, the best laid plans going astray--slamming his head on a rock in Syria was a good example, as was the nearly disastrous rescue challenge. This time it had been a simple bike ride, nothing to write home about. And now Richard was injured (again) and he was alone (again) and he wasn't sure how much longer he could live with this fear.

***  
“He’s waking up screaming nearly every night, Jez,” Richard said to Jeremy over a pint at the pub. It had been three weeks since the accident in Mozambique, and the healing bruises were leaving his body a mosaic of colour artists couldn't resist. “I know it jarred him, what happened, but I don't remember it being this rough before, and James refuses to tell me anything.”

Jeremy took a long pull of his ale. “It was pretty damn rough the first time,” he replied. “You were out of it, after the jet car, then you were recovering in Scotland, so you couldn't see. James was a wreck, but of course so was everyone, and what happened a few weeks ago has us rattled. Eight of us put together couldn't manage half a night's sleep, and that went on for months. I didn't know for a long time afterwards that James had these intense, vivid nightmares, and only you knew those nightmares had continued in one form or another for years.”

Richard nodded. “I knew it was hard for everyone,” he stated, staring at the bottom of his glass. “But why didn't I know about this?”

“Because none of us wanted you to do what you're doing now,” Jeremy answered steadily. “You're going into your head, trying to make this your fault. Then you'll turn angry and think we’re trying to change who you are and protect you too much. What happened, then and now, are accidents. Accidents happen whether you’re careful or not. They drive us barmy because you’ve shown us no matter what we can't stop all of these things from happening, and we don't want anyone to die.” He waved for another round. “Problem is, that can happen walking down the street or crossing the road, and we can't stop those, either.”

Richard sighed. “So what do I do?”

“Have a chat,” Clarkson answered with a shrug. “Take him out, make dinner at home, whatever. Just tell him what you know and see. Reassure him. Just don't do it tonight, because I don't think this will go well if you're clattered.”

“But I'm not clattered,” Richard argued.

“Yet,” Jeremy replied with an evil grin.

***

“Rich...no... _ **No!!**_ ” James shouted as Richard shook him awake a few nights later. He was bathed in cold sweat, trying to catch his breath. 

“James, you’re okay,” Richard tried to soothe him, taking his face into his hands and caressing him with his thumbs. “We're safe. I'm right here with you.”

It took a few tense moments before James could speak again and realize he was in his own bedroom. A shudder ran through him. “We were in Africa again,” he sighed, voice trembling. “I saw your bike go down. And I couldn't be there to comfort you, they wouldn't let me.”

“Yeah, the bike went down,” Richard answered as he held James close. “But I'm here and I'm alright.” He kissed the top of James’ head. 

James looked into Richard's dark eyes. “Richard, I can't do this anymore,” he said sadly. “I can't deal with this.”

“I know, James, I know,” Richard agreed with him. “I promise, we’re going to get you some help for your nightmares. And I'm going to be with you through this.”

James shook his head fiercely. “You don't understand,” he said as he turned away.

“Well, no, I don't understand,” Richard replied. “I am with you, you know. We're going to be married. Going through hard times together, mate, that's something we’ve been doing.”

“Absolutely,” James said. “And that's why I can't do this with you anymore.”

Richard drew back. “What are you saying?”

James took a deep breath. “Drama seems to happen with us all the time,” he finally answered. “If it's not you becoming ill, it's me becoming ill because some psychopath poisoned me over you. Or it's you getting stuck on top of a mountain during a blizzard with no way to rescue you. It's exhausting. And when those things happen, I have to check before I do something like hold your hand and risk getting arrested. If you died, God forbid, I wouldn't even be allowed to mourn you properly. It's not your fault, but there's a limit, and I have reached mine.”

“Then if it's not my fault, why are you seemingly blaming me?” Richard asked. “Don't say you're not, you are. Carol Whitby was a psychopath, but she was that way for years and she hid it well before she poisoned you. Getting stuck on the mountain and nearly freezing to death wasn't my idea, it was bad luck. I didn't ask for pneumonia, or the bike accident, or, for that matter, going upside down in a jet car at 288 miles per hour.”

“But they happened,” James finished the sentence. “Most people deal with a couple of moments like this the entire time they're together. We’ve had more than a lifetime's worth.”

“We haven't,” Richard argued, “because that's not who we are and not what we do. What we do has some risk, you know that. We take precautions, but putting ourselves out there means shit happens.”

“Well maybe I'm tired of shit happening!” James snapped. “Maybe I just want a more normal life! Maybe I just want a partner who wants a more normal goddamned life!”

The words hung in the air between them a moment. Richard turned away. “James, it's late and you're upset from the dream,” he said softly. “I think you and I should get some sleep and talk about it some more in the morning.”

“I think we should talk about it now, since we're both awake,” James replied obstinately, crossing his arms and staring at the bed.

“You really don't want to have this conversation right now, James…” Richard warned him, “because I promise you won't like my reply.” His tone was dangerous, as if any second he could simply explode. Jeremy, Andy, everyone on the show who knew him well knew this tone and knew to be careful with what was said next.

James didn't care. “Rich, when I decided to propose I did it with the idea you and I would get ready to settle down soon. We had The Grand Tour to do, but sooner rather than later we’d find this new journey, something a bit less risky, both physically and legally. That's ultimately what DriveTribe is supposed to be. I didn't do this with the idea of constant hospital vigils or me outliving you and deciding the music to play at your memorial service.” He paused. “I don't want to give you ultimatums and you’d tell me where to stick one anyway. It's just...Richard, I just can't marry you, not right now.”

Richard felt as if he'd been hit in the chest by cannon fire. Slowly he stood, his legs shaking and unsteady. When he was sure he simply wouldn't fall down, he took a couple of deep breaths. He took a few steps toward the bedroom door, then grabbed it and slammed it shut so hard it actually rattled James’ windows. “What the fuck, man? I mean **What. The. Actual. Fuck?!** ” Richard shouted. “You don't want to give me an ultimatum, then you drop a bomb in my lap like that, that says unless I settle down with you the way you want we can't be together? That's not a fucking ultimatum?” James didn't move from his spot on the bed, in fact didn't even look at him. “You know, for years I compromised with you because I love you. I did understand--you needed me to make up my mind, you were scared and needed me to reassure you I wasn't reckless, you needed me to find you irreplaceable in my life. I've done all those things. And now, because of a moment that you’ve faced yourself on a bike, where you simply can't control what's going to happen next, suddenly that's not fucking good enough for you? Goddamn it, May, you are so fucking full of shit.” Richard left the room and went downstairs to the sitting room couch.

James tried to go back to sleep, but after an hour it was clear that wasn't going to happen. So he quietly dressed and crept downstairs. Trying not to wake Richard, James decided a drive would be best to calm his jangled nerves. He opened and closed the front door without much noise. Then, partially due to the quiet of the engine, James started up his Fiat Panda and drove through the streets of London in the predawn. 

He was gone from home about two hours. When he returned he noticed Richard wasn't on the couch anymore. Going to the bedroom, James could see the closet door was open and one of Richard's travel bags was missing. Not a good sign, James realized. That is when he found the note on his pillow:

_Fuck this. Fuck our engagement, fuck all the compromises I made out of love. Fuck our being together, and most of all, **FUCK YOU.**_

Hammond also left his platinum engagement ring.


	4. The First Clear Moment I Saw You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long post and lots happens. Have to warn you I don't like flying and something happens very reminiscent of a family member of mine. If you're terrified of flying there's a section you might want to skip.

Months later, things had gone back to the way they were before, at least emotionally. Before Richard and Mindy had divorced, before James realized he could have Richard after all. Within an hour of breaking off the engagement, Richard found himself a corporate flat not far from where he used to stay before moving in with James. Because they were on a break in filming and James had taken the opportunity to go on a holiday to Australia with Oz Clarke, Richard had removed his clothes and the undisputed items he had in storage; anything he thought James might want he left behind. It broke Richard's heart to see how easily things could be sorted. It should be more complicated to untangle the strands.

When the breakup happened James spent a couple of days in bed, deep in depression. Then Oz called, and hearing the sadness in James’ voice, invited him to come with him to Australia to work on a new edition of his wine program. James went, and the three weeks Down Under were definitely good for him. When he returned there was slight disappointment that Richard not only wasn't there waiting, but had actually cleared out. Like Richard, he thought it should be more complicated. He started to call Richard to let him know he’d made it home, then changed his mind. Apart from work, Richard really wasn't part of his life anymore, and he’d see him soon enough for filming. At least it's what he told himself. He really didn't want to hear Richard say what he wrote in the note, and knew Richard would do just that. 

They resumed filming, and both were professional enough to keep the arguments from turning personal. Andy and Jeremy, however, could feel the distance between them. Clarkson really didn't want to get in the middle again, since Richard and James had a habit of staying clear of each other if a rough patch came. Quietly he laid a large bet with Andy on the timetable for the two of them to make up, and the circumstances of getting back together (Andy: they'd eventually see reason that they were better together than apart; Jeremy: a massive fight followed by a spectacular shagging). But as the weeks became months with no sign, Jeremy began to genuinely worry about his mates. There was a threat to their enterprise, but he was more concerned for the loss of their friendship. For the public they acted as if they could barely stand each other for longer than 20 minutes and their camaraderie was professional only. In private, their now nearly adult children referred to the others as Uncle. These two men walked away from lifetime job security out of loyalty to him, the same way they nearly did to protect Richard. Jeremy knew those kind of mates didn't come by often. The continued hardship of a breakup, especially after they'd considered marriage, would eventually force Jeremy to choose sides, and he didn't want that.

Besides, he had £500 riding on this with Wilman.

***

“You're thinking of _what???_ ” Jeremy spluttered over beers that night at James’ house.

James shrugged. “Selling my piano,” he answered after a sip of beer. “I think I can get a good price for it.”

“In God's name, why?”

“Well, I don't really play it anymore,” James replied simply. “And it's just another thing taking up space in my house…”

“And Hammond always loved to hear you play, and you don't want reminders of him,” Jeremy finished. James’ response was to stare at the floor. “Jesus, May. It's not as if he's dead, you’re fighting! Which means you two can find a way to make up.”

James shook his head. “There's no making up for it,” he argued. “What he ended up writing is pretty clear. And I don't think I want to make up because that means I was wrong and I'm not.”

“And yes, that seems to be working out quite well for you at the moment.” Jeremy sat next to James on the couch. “Look,” he continued gently. “When you said you'd gone vegetarian I didn't get my boxers in a bunch because everyone needs a change from time to time. When you decided to sell your Corniche because you've developed an aversion to the touch of leather, I didn't bat an eye, because you came up with other reasons I thought were valid. But selling your piano because it takes up space? That's the sign you have your head shoved so far up your own arse you can see out of your mouth.” Jeremy took a deep breath. “May, you're not wrong about this, but Hammond isn't either. We take precautions, but things happen. Life isn't safe all the time. To try and force him to do something else to be with you will only make you both miserable. You love him because of who he is.”

“And that's my problem,” James argued. “Jeremy, I’m not sleeping at night because I keep seeing it in my head. He’s rolling on the ground like a fucking rag doll. Or I am running into the hospital in Leeds and you're telling me he’s dead. Or Mindy's telling me he'll never come out of the coma, or he’ll never be the same. And now in my dreams he's waking up and doesn't know who I am, he recognizes everyone but me. Because of who he is and what he does. I can't live with this fear that who he is and what he does will kill him.”

Jeremy sat in thought a moment. “What has changed?” he finally asked. “Really, what has changed in the past eleven years? Well, Hammond certainly has. He used to be wilder, more reckless. He’s more careful now. But he knows there will always be a part of him that needs the challenge, even if he has to be more careful. And in that time he has come to love you, enough to spend his life with you. So if there's been any negative change at all between you two, the answer is _you_. You have to decide what you want to live with and what you don't, even whether you can live with the stupid travel advisories on you and Hammond together, and don't think I don't know you have your knickers in a twist about that.”

This made James think a moment. Of course he and Hammond had been through a lot the past several years, but whether James admitted it to himself or not, these events had been somewhat typical in Richard's life; he had once said famously, “My life is weird” and had even successfully managed to get out a few novels about his adventures. James had been the one encountering these events, many for the first time. And the poisoning had been the toughest of the lot. James had never faced the real possibility of his own death before, while Richard had. He knew it had been hard on everyone, including himself, but his recovery had been focused solely on the physical. When Richard nearly died the first time, he’d gone through counseling…

And that ultimately led James to a therapist. He was dubious at first, ironically thinking he must have lost his mind to think of seeing one. But in a few sessions he actually felt it refreshing to speak to someone else about matters. Gratefully, to James, this therapist didn't like to prescribe medication unless absolutely necessary, which he did until James stopped having nightmares every single night, and then the medication was only for sleep. Before long, James started to feel better about himself and stopped worrying so much about Richard. The therapist even suggested a few discreet groups where he could talk about the travel advisories and how other same-sex couples worked around them.

At the heart of it, however, James knew Richard should be with him, and not being together hurt.

***

It had to happen sooner or later, Jeremy thought to himself. The pressure had been building for months. Like in _Doctor Who_ nobody wanted to be in Pompeii for Volcano Day, but this had most certainly become that--Volcano Day.

The ingredients were there: James had been feeling out of sorts that day, not taking the sleeping pills the night before. The result was a night full of bad dreams dredged up by discussion of the next epic road trip to Australia. Combine that with Richard Hammond's almost legendary temper. Mount Vesuvius was going to blow. Baking Soda, Alka Seltzer, Water. Mentos and Diet Coke. Kerosene and fertilizer. Any way it was a bad combination.

It had started with James being stuck on writing a segment. Richard, being his exuberant self, had first offered a number of suggestions that didn't work. Increasingly frustrated, James had wanted Richard to please leave him to figure it out on his own. Hammond, having finished his writing and becoming bored, started bouncing off the walls, which irritated James more. It finally resulted in James saying, “Hammond, shut the _fuck_ up!” Now, Richard had heard this from James before, not to mention everyone else from time to time. For some reason, however, today it went up his arse sideways, and the fight was on. Hammond motioned for James to step into the conference room for a few private words. Which didn't stay private long. In seconds, James and Richard were in the middle of a full-scale screaming match, with the points of contention anything but work.

The screaming went on for 30 minutes, the months of anger between them spilling out for everyone to hear behind the closed door. Jeremy and Andy glanced at each other nervously; so far no indication of physical violence, but they wondered at what point they should step in to keep them from coming to blows. They knew James wasn't a fighter but could if seriously provoked, and while Richard got fighty when drunk, he was a shit fighter drunk or sober. One could easily hurt the other with a good punch. And a good punch was what led to their own production company and the deal with Amazon.

The conference room door flew open suddenly. Richard stepped out, looking no worse for wear, as in not punched in the face. Everyone tried to make busy, as if they never overheard the fight. Spotting Andy and Jeremy together he approached them, his brown eyes burning. “I know I have to put it in writing to be official,” he said, his voice calm. “But I wanted to put you on notice that when we're finished with the Australia trip next month I’m contacting my attorney to negotiate a buyout of my contact. And with that said, I think I'm done for the day.”

Richard walked out of the office, sent a text to Andy and Jeremy to leave him alone for tonight. Then he went to the pub and got toasted before heading to his flat. Lying down on the bed, he thought of nothing but James and how it appeared everything was finally over. All these months hoping they could work things out, gone. He loved James with all his heart, wanted to be with him the rest of his life--he wanted nobody else. But now he would never belong to him again. He felt lost.

At the same time in Hammersmith, James was lying on his bed, thinking of Richard and how much he loved him. And how lost he felt without him, too. And both cried over the futility of it all.

***

The next few weeks were torture for everyone. Andy had remembered reading an interview about an actor in a recurring role on a TV show and how the cast commented when he returned laughter suddenly returned to the set; not that they had an unhappy group, but this actor was so funny, positive, and joyful, it was as if they weren't laughing before he returned. That was what he missed in the office. Jeremy, Richard, and James had always brought laughter to the others, and even though all three were still here, the happiness was definitely gone. He knew in short order Hammond would begin the process of officially leaving the show and the production. Andy realized there would be media and fans speculating on the circumstances, but he wasn't focused on that at the moment. The band was breaking up, the circumstances were bitter, and it broke his heart. He was also a fan of the idea of love, and seeing Richard and James losing each other like this also broke his heart.

Jeremy knew both his friends were destroyed by the situation, and so was he. He didn't expect Richard to remain in London when it was all over; he loved the countryside and felt claustrophobic in cities, and he was tolerating city life to be with James. Izzy and Willow still lived in Wales, which would make it logical for him to return to be close as they attended University. Considering Jeremy almost never traveled to the country (the country was what you drove through to get from one city to another), once Hammond said his usual “Take Care” as he was leaving, that could pretty much be it.

As for James, Jeremy was genuinely worried. Richard was his love, the one he’d wanted, and any fault Richard may have in his personality was outweighed by the fact he made James a better man. Sooner or later James would realize what he'd pushed away, but by that time it might be too late to get it back. Hammond could be with someone else, or he may simply be gone. And that would crush James completely. Jeremy feared James would simply retreat within himself, the way he was going before Richard hooked up with him. He’d do the show a couple more years, retire, then lock himself within that house in Hammersmith and never put himself out there again. That was a lonely existence. Jeremy knew James had been seeing a therapist and had done well, but worried they had not been together long enough to keep that from happening.

So it was an unhappy little caravan made their way to Australia for filming. The adventure took a week. Andy was proud they'd pulled themselves together from their personal turmoil to make this epic voyage. All-in-all, not a bad one for the guys to manage. Sort of like Fleetwood Mac making the _Rumors_ album in the middle of their personal implosions.

***

The flight home promised to be a killer. Sydney-Osaka-Munich-London. Flights to and from Australia were always long, but this one involved two friends who had almost nothing to say to each other off-camera. Now they would have this trip home and all that time to endure their tension. Worse, Andy had exercised his power as the boss--one of the only times he’d ever done this--and disallowed switching seats with anyone else. Meaning, James, Richard, and Jeremy would be sitting in the same row. Worse, James and Richard would be sitting next to each other the whole flight. Andy had arranged it, figuring they'd have to eventually speak to one another, the flight was simply too long for complete silence.

Naturally as the plane took off from Sydney, James and Richard found ways to avoid speaking to each other. They spoke to Jeremy and he to them, in fact there was a lovely conversation between them, but creatively two avoided directly speaking to anyone but Clarkson. The average person wouldn't have noticed, but Andy did. 

Midway to Osaka passengers were stretching their legs by standing, some making their way to the restrooms. Richard and James found themselves waiting by the one in First Class

“Wilman is a right foul git, you know,” James grumbled. “I feel like I'm 6 and I've been told I have to sit by my speccy cousin whether I want to or not. He does realize I am an adult, right?”

Richard couldn't resist. “I think Wilman believes you’re the speccy cousin,” he replied. 

James couldn't help but grin at that. “Maybe,” he replied. “I just wish he didn't think problems can be solved like a romantic comedy.”

“Or a situation comedy,” Richard added. Then he rendered a near-perfect imitation of Andy Wilman:”'My friends aren't speaking to each other. Oh I know! I'll make them sit next to each other during a long flight! That will force them to talk to each other!’” They both chuckled.

Then James paused. “Except….we really are talking to each other,” he muttered in wonder.

“Yeah, we are,” Richard agreed, a bit surprised. “Uh, James...Did the world end?”

“Uh...No.”

“Has the plane crashed?”

“No.”

“Have we been abducted by aliens?”

“I don't think so, no.”

Richard grinned slightly. “ Well then,” he sighed, “I guess we're speaking to each other.”

“Yeah,” James nodded. “Damn that nefarious bastard,” he added with a smile. Then the passenger exited the toilet and James went inside. 

The plane touched down in Osaka and refueled for the long flight to Munich. During refueling James and Richard had both fallen asleep. Jeremy couldn't resist taking a picture and showing it to Andy. James had the window seat, but his shoulders leaned towards the center. His head and face was also turned toward the center. Richard, in the center, had leaned toward James; any closer and the two would have snuggled into each other.

Andy saw the picture and whispered, “Tell me they're not meant to be together.”

***

The flight from Osaka to Munich was the flight from hell, the kind those terrified of flying would probably die from out of sheer fright. As the plane was ascending to altitude they were hitting air pockets that kept shaking it and dropping it a few feet at a time. It was a sign they would be encountering storms. James knew enough from flying small planes to quietly tell Jeremy and Richard the pilots would try to climb above them, but if the clouds were too tall they'd simply have to fly through the storms, and that wouldn't be a pleasant experience.

As the plane dropped again Richard gripped the armrest tightly. “Oh, I think I might be sick,” he groaned. The statement was punctuated by the sound of other passengers making their air sickness bags ready.

“You know how to fly, Hammond,” James offered. “You know what the weather is like.”

“I fly helicopters,” Richard shot back. “And we try to not fly in weather that can make us bounce off the ground.”

“Unlike you bouncing on the road when you came off your bike,” James countered. Richard shot him a dirty look. 

Then the plane went into an actual dive that caused passengers to yelp. “Bloody hellfire,” Jeremy muttered when the plane finally levelled. He looked pale. 

The pilot, speaking with a German accent, announced the turbulence was due to the storm system they were approaching, and the plane was unable to climb over, so would actually have to try flying through the storms. There was a collective groan in the cabin. “This can't end well, can it?” Jeremy whispered to Richard and James. 

“About as well as me being upside down in a jet car,” Richard whispered back.

It was close to night when the plane first encountered the turbulence. Once the plane met the storms it was utterly black, except for the brilliantly vivid flashes of lightning. Rain sprayed the windows so it became hard to see. “Can't imagine what the pilots are seeing,” James muttered. “Or not,” he added as another bolt of lightning came too close for comfort.

“Might be best if they can see nothing,” Richard gasped. “Maybe just reading the instruments will make it better.”

There was a sudden blinding flash, as if paparazzi had set off a giant flashbulb an inch away from their faces. The plane went dark and they felt an ominous hum all around. Then the plane dove. In the dark all three men clutched the other’s hands as screams surrounded them. A moment later the plane levelled again and the cabin lights slowly returned. Across the aisle Andy was covering his mouth and nose with his hands, his eyes looking as if they were filled with tears. Jeremy had leaned back in his seat, his eyes shut, a look of relief on his pale face. Still desperately clutching Richard's hand, he was whispering words that ran together: “thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou”. Richard looked over at James, who was trying to look calm. The look in his deep blue eyes barely held back his panic; Richard had no doubt James could see the panic in him, too. 

“What the hell do you think that was?” Richard whispered.

“Lightning hit us,” James whispered to him. “Thank God we recovered electrical function, otherwise…” he didn't have to say any more.

Richard gulped audibly. If he'd been in a helicopter when lightning hit and blacked out the electronics, chances are he’d be dead before the chopper hit the ground. But that was the way his life was. Bouncing off the road in Mozambique, suddenly finding a way down off a sand dune cliff in Namibia, upside-down at Elvington. James had been there emotionally every time, even when he was going through trauma himself. Now he wasn't, and he was sitting right next to him. James would never be there for him again. Before Richard could stop himself a tear had escaped and fell down his cheek.

“Rich, are you okay?” James asked. Richard shook his head, but before he could answer the pilot announced due to the storms they had lost a few 'non-essential’ functions, they were going to make a landing in Prague for repairs. Suddenly the flight attendants were moving through the aisles asking everyone to secure any loose items. 

This was a statement all four men clearly heard. They'd traveled enough and flown enough to know 'secure any loose items’ meant a quick landing, which meant something was definitely not okay. Then again they had been struck by lightning and were still in the air, so…

Andy glanced over to the three men across from him, the look on his face giving the one thought, Fix this, please. Jeremy nodded in agreement, not saying a word. His eyes grew shiny, welling up with tears, realizing he may never see his friends again. Or his children.

The flight attendants told the passengers to assume crash positions.

“James…” Richard began.

“I know…” James said in reply.

“I'm sorry. I want to fix this.”

“Yeah.” James was afraid of saying more, knowing he was on the edge of crying and it would be heard.

Richard took a moment and thought of his daughters. Whenever he left for a shoot abroad he always called in the evening to ask about them, say goodnight, hear their voices. Sometimes he’d surprise them by picking them up after school, knowing that brief physical contact would be all he’d get for weeks. This had been continued by Mindy after the divorce, knowing their kids were as essential to him as breathing. The great sorrow he faced each day, every episode they made, was one day he might not get to say goodbye to them. At least he had James next to him, even if they couldn't make the other understand how deeply their love ran.

James thought of his family as well, his siblings and parents. Mum and Dad were elderly now, and he wondered if they would be able to withstand his death. It wasn't the natural order of things. It wasn't fair to place the burden on his siblings to help them, but as he felt he was about to die…

It really wasn't what he wanted. And he realized it really wasn't what Richard wanted, either. Who could have predicted this was the way the end was going to happen? And that led to James understanding Hammond didn't prefer what happened to him, but it happened anyway. Maybe, just maybe, shit really did just happen whether you wanted it to or not. 

From the window the lights of Prague could be seen.

“Are we going to live through this?” James asked.

“I don't know,” Richard answered.

“If….can we maybe try again?”

Richard grinned, though he knew James couldn't see it. “I’d like to try,” he said.

“I love you. I have all along.”

“I love you, too.”

Richard could feel a comforting hand squeeze his shoulder and realized Jeremy had basically said the same thing. Clarkson was always a big softie. As he felt the plane take that final surge downward, lining up the runway, on the other side of him Richard could barely hear James humming the hymn 'Abide With Me’. _Well_ , he thought, _if this really is it, that's a good hymn to go out on._

They felt the thump and heard a horrendous scraping; they realized the landing gear hadn't deployed. There was some screaming, but it was mostly eerily quiet in the cabin except for that scraping. Without realizing it, the passengers had the same collective thought: _Slow down, please slow down_.

And the plane slowed and stopped. 

There was a moment of silence, followed by the sound of everyone suddenly releasing breath they'd been holding. The flight attendants were out of their seats instantly and the doors were opened. As those who sat next to the doors were pressed into service the emergency chutes were opened and people began sliding down to escape the potential fire. Making sure women and children got out ahead of them, Jeremy, Richard, James, and Andy finally left the plane and looked back after running a safe distance. The jet was on its belly, but thankfully there was no fire. They were gathered up by officials and taken to the terminal in a bus along with everyone else.It was that moment the tension broke. Family members held each other close, parents wept while hugging their children. And Richard began to shake. He was quiet, he knew everyone had to process the event, but he told nobody and nobody knew. He didn't want anyone to know how deeply it had affected him.

***

Hammond's plan worked in the hours it took to retrieve their belongings and book a hotel for the night. When all four squeezed into a taxi for the trip into downtown Prague, however, the jig was up.

“Hammond, are you cold?” Andy asked next to him. 

“Yeah, fine, just caught a chill is all,” Richard answered.

Remembering when Richard was actually becoming ill with pneumonia, James frowned. “Are you sure you're okay?” He leaned in closer for a better look.

“It's not a fever, I’m fine,” Richard argued. “I promise I'm not sick.”

Jeremy said nothing but studied him. Jeremy remembered a time like this, too, when James had collapsed and Richard had been shut out and left in the waiting room at the hospital. Jeremy and Andy had found him like this when they’d arrived. How much was terror at possibly losing James, how much was simply unreleased tension, how much had been adrenaline coursing through that short, lean body, Clarkson wasn't sure. At the time he simply recalled Richard had been upset and was trying not to be, much like now.

They arrived at the hotel and paid the fare plus tip. Richard, James, and Jeremy had a couple of drinks at the bar as Andy sorted out the rooms for everyone. “Flash and I are rooming together,” he announced when he returned. Jeremy started to make a comment before Andy cut him off. “There are two beds to each room, Clarkson. Jesus, get your mind out of the gutter.” He handed a key card to him. “You're the lucky bastard who gets a room alone tonight, Jezza. Meanwhile…” he looked at James and Richard. “If you two room together, do I have your word no rozzers are needed? No screaming matches to wake the other guests? You won't succeed in doing what that flight didn't?”

“Yes,” answered Richard.

“Yes,” James answered at the same time.

“Good.” He handed them key cards. “Since the flight to London doesn't leave until 2, and we all need a lie-in. Let's meet at 10 for breakfast.” Andy stood up. “I think I really need to try to sleep,” he said. “Not that I think I will succeed…”

“Sounds like me,” Jeremy replied. “Though I can't blame major traumatic events for my insomnia.” They all waved to Andy as he excused himself and left. A few minutes later Richard made his way to the room. Which is where James found him after a glass of wine. 

When James entered the room Richard was sitting on his bed, staring straight ahead; the look on his face told James he was walking in unpleasant memories. “Rich?” James announced. He knelt on the floor between the two beds and took his hands. He could feel them tremble slightly.

It seemed to take a moment for Richard to realize someone was in front of him. “I tried to text the girls,” he finally said, his voice quiet. “It's funny... I couldn't make my fingers work right, they just kept shaking and hitting the wrong keys.” James knew Richard wouldn't have called--the tone of his voice would have panicked Mindy and especially Izzy, who was extremely close to her father. 

“It's okay,” James gently replied. “I can text Mindy and explain it to her. She’ll understand.” Richard nodded in agreement and stared at the floor. “Maybe we should get ready for sleep?” James stood up and pulled Richard up with him. Suddenly they were locked in an embrace, holding each other close, James feeling the tremble that ran through Richard's body as they hugged. “I've got you, Rich,” he whispered. “It's over now.”

Richard only seemed to hold James tighter against him. “It was so close,” he said, his voice muffled. “We nearly died together and I...We….God, we’re so far apart.”

“I never wanted that, Hammond,” James replied, his eyes filling with tears. “I...was just so freaked out, you know?” He pulled away slightly and tilted Richard's face up to look at him. “You got hurt on that bike and it brought everything back to me, how lost and helpless I felt. And If something had happened to you, how I could only be there for you as a friend, nothing more. just wanted to be normal, I wanted to have you in my life and not be scared whenever you walked out the door.”

“Yeah? What the fuck is normal?” Richard chuckled, his own dark eyes welling. “I've tried telling you before about that place I went when I was in the coma, what I was thinking when I knew I couldn't save the jet car, when I said my goodbye to you in Canada as I lost my strength. And somehow I’ve never been able to describe it. That's where I was in my head when you came in. Feeling like I've avoided that place again, but almost losing you to it. And we're not together, and I’m facing it alone for the first time.” Richard dropped his head.

For a long time they stood there quietly, holding each other without a word. “We are together, whether it feels like we are or not,” James told him. “I didn't really think that until tonight. I sat there as we were descending thinking how we were going to end with all this stuff between us when we should have been facing it together. But we were together, I just didn't see it. I am so sorry.”

“I am, too,” Richard answered. “I love you, James.”

“I love you,” James answered back as he reached down to kiss him on the forehead. 

They showered and prepared for bed separately. James kept his promise and texted Mindy, explaining what happened and how nobody was hurt. Mindy texted back she understood why Richard wasn't texting her himself. James recalled she had to face all the effects of the first time and truly knew Richard's mind. There would always be love between them, but James knew not to feel threatened by it; it was a natural result. 

To Richard's surprise James climbed into bed next to him. Richard was still trembling. James pulled him close and just held him. “Is this okay?” 

“Yes,” Richard answered. “But I have to tell you, I'm not ready for…”

“I know,” James replied as he turned out the light. “I want to be here for you. And when you're ready, we can do _that._ ” Richard grinned and sighed with relief in the dark as James kissed the top of his head. They spent the night talking through their issues until they finally drifted off, wrapped in each other's safe embrace.

***

The next morning, after breakfast, waiting for the taxi to the airport, Andy approached Jeremy. “You owe me £500, Clarkson,” he muttered. “Pay up.”

“Not yet,” Jeremy answered back. “We're not back in London yet.”

“What does that have to do with it?” Andy asked. “It's clear they're back together. They saw reason and decided they were better together than apart. That was the bet.”

“Last night was a special circumstance,” Jeremy answered calmly. “Even you can't argue against that. If we have an uneventful flight home and give them some time to sleep and they're still together, we’ll settle up.”

Andy thought a moment. “Double or nothing they're still together after we get home?”

“You're on.”


	5. Make It So Easy to Fly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a section of some major naughty-naughty.

The flight from Prague to London was delayed. Nobody really knew why: Andy heard it was weather-related. James heard there was a mechanical problem. Jeremy heard it was due to a few nervous passengers from last night's flight needing to be talked onto the plane. So they sat in the First Class lounge, some half-dozing, some checking the internet on their phones.

James and Richard sat off to themselves, looking relaxed. Every now and then one of their phones would chime to indicate a text. Usually it was a family member or concerned friend checking in. But occasionally a message like the following would appear:

 

_There is nothing you and me_  
_Can't do together if we try._

James read the message and realized it came from Richard, who was appearing nonchalant. “Nice,” James whispered. “I like that sentiment.” 

“It's a song lyric,” Richard answered. “By Crowded House. Do you like it?” 

“It's appropriate,” James told him. “Very proper.” 

A few minutes later came another text: 

_How would you like for me to be inappropriate?_

James crossed his arms and stared straight ahead. “That wouldn't be much of a stretch for you, Hammond,” he stated. 

Several minutes passed, long enough for James to believe Richard had given up. Then his phone chimed. 

_I could suggest finding out if we could become members of the Mile High Club, but common sense is in order. Right now the best thing I can say is I love you._

James read the message and grinned. 

_I want to work on us being together, Rich. I miss you._

Richard read James’ text and swallowed hard. 

_I'm willing to give up anything for you._

After a moment James sighed. “Can we continue this conversation on the plane?” he asked. 

“Of course,” Richard answered. In a few more minutes James’ phone chimed again. 

_I really want to kiss you right now._

James smiled to himself. There was nothing more he’d like to do at this moment than reach over and give the kind of snog that Hammond would feel in his toes, but it wasn't a good idea. Even though the formerly-named Czech Republic had some of the most liberal laws on same-sex couples in Europe, they weren't officially out as a couple. They weren't hiding it, but they weren't showing it off, either. And today there was plenty of news media hanging out who could catch them. Instead he texted: 

_Wish we could try the MHC, but modern loos on the planes are too small._

It only took a moment for Richard to reply: 

_That's only because you’re freakishly tall like Clarkson. Fine for me._

The announcement was made to board the flight and they had to stop their game. A meaningful glance passed between them, though, one that said the conversation wasn't over. 

_***_

Indeed the conversation wasn't over once on board. They spoke quietly, or tried to, but every now and then voices were raised to a harsh hiss, followed by long moments of silence. Jeremy sometimes pretended to be engrossed in a book, or to catch a catnap, but actually he was listening in on James and Richard and their conversation, and it turned out they were actually speaking to each other, trying to work things out. 

This was something the public didn't believe happened between them. They'd all been together as a unit for 16 years, had been colleagues or acquainted with each other before that; real disagreement had to happen at times. At the end of the day, however, they’d talk it out and fix things. Nobody knew about the giant blowup that had occurred when the BBC initially suspended Jeremy, or at least nobody wanted to, but they had worked out. This incident, just before their Australia trip, was the closest they had come to pitching the whole venture and walking away, and now it sounded like Richard and James were trying to save the business if not the relationship. 

During his pretend nap Jeremy actually dozed off. So he actually missed the following exchange: 

“Hammond,” James began carefully as he slipped on wine, “do you really want to dissolve our business partnership? 

Richard, sipping on a Gin and Tonic, paused. “I did,” he answered. “I couldn't see a way any of this was going to work. But remember we were in the middle of screaming at each other, too.” 

“In old movies that would be considered sexual tension,” James mused. 

“Except,” Richard argued, “we’re two blokes and at the time I really wanted to beat the shit out of you.” He was silent. “I was hurt. I wanted to make you hurt as much as that time in Milan when I thought we were never going to be more than bedmates.” 

After a moment James responded. “As I recall, we misunderstood each other then, too,” he said softly. 

Richard nodded. “Why the fuck do we keep doing that?” he asked. “We have happiness in front of us, then we try to sabotage it.” 

James saw Richard's eyes become watery, trying not to have another tear escape and roll down his cheek. “I don't know,” he answered. “What I do know is that I miss you. I miss us. I want to do whatever I must to have us back.” 

“It was my fault,” Richard stated. “I should have realized what happened to me would trigger old memories. I was selfish. I should have been telling you I would change anything I could to make you feel better.' 

James took a moment and stared out the window, trying to keep his voice from cracking. “We almost died last night, both of us,” he finally said as he turned back to Richard. “It didn't happen, but it could have. And it made me realize you don't deliberately seek these events out, they happen. If I were to force you to change for me...Well, for one thing it wouldn't work. And for another you’d change too much and you wouldn't be who I love.” He gave Richard a shy grin. “Who I want to share my life with.” 

At that moment Richard wanted to jump up screaming and go running up and down the aisle, followed by a kiss that would bring the house down. Instead he remembered they were in public and stayed calm. “Can we continue that part of the discussion later?” he asked. “Alone?” 

A minute later came James’ answer. “As long as you remember the rule about possession,” he whispered back. James didn't have to have Richard answer, the catch in his breath told James he bloody well knew this rule. 

_***_

The flight landed at Heathrow only 30 minutes late. Possibly due to their celebrity or the fact they were frequent travelers, James, Jeremy and Richard did not spend an undue period in Customs, and many of the fellow passengers were either too tired or too happy to see home to stop for pictures or autographs. 

Outside Customs, the paparazzi were waiting to ask questions about the ordeal. Richard, James, and Andy were happy to let Jeremy make a collective statement, along the lines of, “It was a scary situation that the flight crew handled brilliantly, and we're all very happy to be home.” They headed for the car park with promises to text a meeting time, preferably at the pub, but for the next few days they simply needed some time to rest. 

Jeremy got in his car and started it before his cellphone chimed. It was Wilman. 

_You think they'll spend all that time shagging?_

Jeremy texted back 

_No doubt, which means I win. I said they'd get back together after that. And it was double or nothing._

In a moment came Andy's reply. 

_But they saw reason together first, which means I win._

_Okay, let's wait and see,_ Jeremy texted. _If either of them look completely shagged out we’ll call a draw._

Meanwhile, as Richard was walking to his car he got a text by James: _Come sleep at my place._

It took a moment for Richard to unlock his car and slip inside. Finally he answered. _Presuming, Mr. May?_

_Have the spare room,_ he answered back. _I can have it made up. Just wanting to sleep, btw._

_I hear you on that,_ Richard texted. 

There was a rainstorm as Richard drove from Heathrow to Hammersmith, and the going was slow. By the time he arrived James had turned on the lights and put the kettle on for tea. The rain was cold and soaking, and Richard figured if he was cold from it, James had to be positively freezing. 

“God, Hammond, you’ll catch your death if you stay out here long,” he sighed as Richard removed his wet jacket and shoes in the front hallway. Towels and dry, warm clothes were ready for him, along with a cup of hot tea. 

By the time Richard and James had finished both were practically falling asleep at the kitchen table. “Good thing you're not basing our getting back together on my current sexual prowess,” James yawned as he and Richard leaned on each other climbing the stairs. “We’ve become a couple of fucking old men.” 

“Speak for yourself,” Richard yawned back. “I'm not that old.” 

James grinned. “Have you seen yourself lately, Hammond? Or is that not grey hair I’m seeing?" 

Richard turned down the bed covers and climbed in. “That is grey hair you’re seeing,” he answered.”But if I have to be completely honest, I feel like I have aged since we've been apart.” James blinked. “You have always kept me young.” James slipped into bed next to him and Richard traced his face with his fingers. “Mainly because the year you were born has a 'B’ and 'C’ attached to it.” 

“I'm not so tired that I can't grab a pillow and blanket and order you to sleep in the guest room,” James grumbled as he turned out the light. Richard said nothing else and both were asleep quickly. 

_***_

Richard woke up slowly, smelling James around him, feeling he’d managed a good night's sleep for the first time in months. As he turned over he realized he was alone, then he heard James moving about in the kitchen. He grabbed James’ robe and went downstairs as two cups of tea were being prepared. “Good morning,” he whispered, his voice rough from disuse. 

“For 10 more minutes,” James answered as he pointed at the clock. “Don't worry, I've been awake only a few more minutes than you. Have some tea.” 

“Thanks.” Richard took the mug and sat at the table, taking a sip. Off to the side sat an innocuous-looking book. “What's that?” 

James sat down. “A dream journal,” he said. “I brought it down with me.” He sipped his tea in silence a few minutes. “My therapist wants me to write down the nightmares I have and share them in our sessions. It helps." 

Hammond frowned. “You had a nightmare last night?” 

“I used to have them every night,” James stated. “Keeping the journal and discussing it with the therapist helps me not have them.” 

“Do you have the same dreams you used to have?” 

“Yeah,” James answered. He noticed Richard frown again and he reached over to stroke his hand. “Keep in mind, we’re only a couple of days removed from nearly being in a plane crash. A nightmare would be a logical reaction.” There was a pause. “In some ways I really have to thank you,” he finally continued. “I started seeing this therapist and realized there were things I never worked out for myself, long before we ever found each other. It made me look beyond my fears and see what it is in you that means so much to me.” 

Richard looked at James, his eyes large. “And what have you found?” he asked, not sure if he really wanted to know the answer. 

James took Richard's hand and held it. “That I love you,” he answered gently. “That in spite of everything I still want you with me. But I let my own fears get in the way, and I fear once this near- death experience wears off you may decide we’re better off apart.” 

Richard couldn't speak, but he could feel his chin quiver. “More than anything else, I want to be with you,” he finally replied. “I belong to you, I always have. But the circumstances that led us here haven't changed. The only thing I can do is give up everything to help you.” 

“And I don't want that,” James answered back. Richard began to respond, but James waved him off. “No matter what I do, things will always happen. There will always be countries in the world where we can't be together as a couple. There will always be accidents. What I have to change once and for all is how I react to them. The therapy is helping me with that. So, can we please try?” 

Richard couldn't help it, his eyes filled with tears. “Yeah, I'd like to try,” he answered, trying to speak around the lump in his throat. “But...do you understand how fucking hurt I was? That it's going to take awhile for me to completely trust you again? That I can't just act as if nothing ever happened and go back to the way things were?” 

James nodded. “I just want the chance to prove it to you,” he said. He touched his forehead to Richard's and caressed the back of his head. “I know I hurt you, and you hurt me. I'm sorry, Rich. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry…” James reached over and kissed him tentatively, his lips barely brushing against Richard's. “Please find it in your heart, Rich. I'm sorry.” Richard kissed him back and pulled him in closer, hugging him. James wrapped his arms around Richard, squeezing almost desperately. The next kiss was deeper, Richard allowing James’ tongue to gently explore. James reached over to nibble on Richard's earlobe, feeling Richard shiver against him. “Do you still belong to me?” James asked tenderly. 

Almost against his will, Richard's skin flushed with his arousal; it was clear in their time apart Richard had not been with anyone else, he was turned on so quickly. “Yes, James,” he could barely whisper, his eyes half-lidded and pupils dilated. 

James continued to kiss him, feeling Richard draw him in more and more, submitting to him. He pulled back slightly, letting Richard see that his blue eyes had grown dark, and smiled. “I love you, Richard,” he said, quite seriously. “Can I please take you upstairs?” Richard didn't trust himself to speak at the moment, so he merely nodded. 

Their going was slow, stopping every few feet to kiss and fondle each other. Sometimes these exchanges were hard and frenzied, sometimes slow and emotional. Neither man, however, complained. Once in the bedroom James untied the robe Richard was wearing, then removed his t-shirt and boxers. He let his hands roam over Richard's naked body, re-memorizing every detail by touch, grinning as Richard barely suppressed a moan. “I would lie here at night and wonder if I’d ever get to see you like this again,” he murmured. 

“I wondered if I’d get the chance to touch you like this again,” Richard answered back, pulling James back to him for a deep kiss. As he removed James’ t-shirt and boxers, letting his hands wander, he whispered, “This makes me feel like I've come home.” 

James and Richard stretched out on the bed together, letting their hands and mouths go free. Richard's lips found James’ nipples and teased as James watched him with amazement, happy this man he still found insanely beautiful would still want the likes of him. Then Richard’s tongue found James’ cock, and rational thought flew out the window. 

It took force of will for James to make Richard stop. With a growl he managed to pull Richard away from him and rolled him over until James was on top of him. He pulled out the sash from the robe Richard had been wearing. “You're mine?” he asked, trying to sound commanding. 

Richard swallowed hard. “Yes, James.” 

James tied Richard's hands together above his head, watching Richard's skin flush a deeper red. “Then you’re going to lie still,” he announced. “No touching.” From there James set about a slow, thorough exploration of Richard's body, using all the means at his disposal. Richard breathed deeply, remaining calm while his love used his hands, his lips, his tongue--oh my, his tongue--to lick, taste, worship his skin, dipping into spaces, leaving wet trails, flickering on places that needed teasing, all to a winding, hypnotic, entrancing rhythm. James made sure to deliberately avoid the one place Richard desperately wanted him to go, grinning with pride as he watched Richard moan and writhe, his wrists struggling with the bonds. 

James squeezed lube onto his fingers and pushed Richard's legs apart. “I have a feeling,” he murmured, “you’re going to be begging me before much longer.” And with that he gently pushed a finger inside. Richard gasped. Moments later a second finger followed, thrusting in and out, reaching for the one spot that would send Richard into ecstasy. When James found it, Richard began to shake with his body's need. 

James added the third finger and moved tortuously slow as Richard cried out, then Richard seemingly lost his voice altogether as James ignored his cries and continued his slow movement. “James…” he breathed, barely heard. Sweat beaded on his forehead. James concentrated on the matter at hand, keeping his tempo and not staring into the fiery molten brown his lover’s eyes had become. 

“James…” Richard tried again. This time something in his voice had changed, forcing James to pause. “James, please...can’t stand any more. I need you, James. _Please._

James grinned in self-satisfaction. “Impressive,” he purred as he removed his fingers and slicked down his cock with a generous helping of lube. “I would have thought you'd break before now. Are you sure?” 

“God, James...Holy fucking shit, yes!” Hammond panted as he continued to struggle. As much as he tried to free himself from the sash, James had tied it firmly and expertly, so no hands would be the rule the rest of the way. 

James was now at the point where waiting wasn't working for him anymore, either, so he barely managed to move slowly as he entered, shuddering with delight as he became enshrouded with Richard's internal heat. The fit was tight and James knew he'd have to concentrate to keep from coming too soon. 

The problem for Richard was that James wasn't moving at all, and for someone as sexually desperate as Richard, this was torture almost too much to bear. He stared at James with wide eyes, the flush of his skin nearly plum. “Please,” he whimpered. “Fuck, James, I can't stand this. Please move.” Even if James could no longer speak, he found Richard's begging very erotic.So he began to slowly move as Richard wrapped his legs around James’ waist. Soon James was moaning along with Richard as he drove harder into him. 

“James….” Richard called out, struggling to hold himself together. James’ response was to slam into his prostate, causing Richard to see stars. “Oh God, so...close... gonna come….oh shit, don't...don't….stop…” James grabbed his bound wrists and thrust a few more times, then Richard arched his back and came with a strangled cry, pumping out over his chest without his cock ever being touched. James joined him shortly after, his entire body shuddering, throwing back his head as he screamed out Richard's name. 

They lay together, hair dripping with sweat, panting heavily. Richard gently ran his now-released fingers through James’ hair as James rested his head over Richard's heart, listening to it beat. It was steady and strong, as strong as he’d ever heard it, even after a tumble off a bike in Africa and a crash landing in Prague. 

Later that night, after a couple of meals, a few more sessions in bed, and showers, Richard and James snuggled together again in sleep. And James once again found himself in that terrible hospital in Leeds, waiting in the conference room for news of Richard. 

_Mindy suddenly ran into the room and made a beeline for James. “James, you have to come with me,” she said earnestly._

_Panic gripped him. “Mindy, what's wrong?” James asked._

_“Richard's awake,” Mindy smiled. “He’s asking for you.”_

_James and Mindy practically ran together down the hallway to the ICU. When they reached Richard's bed he was sitting up in the bed, his eyes open. Richard smiled._

_James smiled back._


	6. Chapter 6

Epilogue

It seemed to take forever for the sun to set today. Of course the one time you want time to fly, time would take the perverse pleasure to crawl. The nice thing was it looked like it was shaping up to be a lovely sunset and twilight. Thank God they'd decided on Aruba for this.

Another several months had passed from the reunion James had shared with Richard. Both knew the love they'd shared had survived, in fact in absence that love had managed to grow on its own. But there had been hurt between them that needed to be worked out. The fact both of them were in this for the long haul made it easier for them to endure the occasional screaming match to air out a wound. A few times had come close to one or the other throwing up their hands, declaring everything impossible, and walking away. Then they would look at each other and remember loving each other was much better than being alone. 

James continued his sessions with the therapist, who helped him immeasurably, and all around him noticed that overall, James was a much happier man for it. Of course he had his down days and crabbier moments of morosity, but now there was a change, a feeling that the moments were indeed just moments, that the black dog despair wasn't nipping at the heels and intending to stick around awhile. Richard was asked to attend some sessions, and found talking things out with a disinterested party helped James and him identity issues between them to mend.

The day James gave Richard the engagement ring again was a surprise. The bitterness and hurt of the past several months had now calmed, and after one night spent by Richard showing James he truly belonged to him, James had made sure Richard had awoken the next morning to the sight of the box before him. Then James knelt at the side of his bed and reproposed. Happily, Richard accepted. After the third morning James asked.

The bet between Andy and Jeremy was settled within days of the return from Australia. The first day back to work Richard walked in announcing to Andy he had no intention of contacting his attorney for the contract release. Andy caught a certain gleam in his dark eyes and knew what it meant. Then James said good morning to Jeremy as they waited for coffee, Jeremy had caught a certain gleam in James’ blue eyes and knew what it meant. At the pub, it was determined a draw.

When James and Richard decided to resume their engagement, they decided enough was enough on couples who got engaged and then decided they were engaged in name only. The resolution had been made between them to co-mingle their lives as they should. There were always going to be countries in the world where their relationship would never be acknowledged, where there would be complications with who would make legal or medical decisions for the other. Countries where they would have to stay in separate rooms or not be seen behaving in any way other than best mates. Not to mention the random idiots who would never accept them, no matter what. The ones who would think nothing to approach them and tell them how they'll burn in hell as an abomination, or how they'll corrupt children. Or worse. They knew they'd simply have to deal with it and work around it. 

Extensive discussion led James and Richard to discussing where they could get married more than symbolically, but at the same time avoid as much of the media circus as possible. Even though they had stopped caring about hiding their relationship, they were still private people off the show and didn't want a lot of attention. They decided on Aruba, who had recently legalized same-sex marriage, but was just out of the way enough to not have a press office for the tabloids. And it would be warm and perfect to combine with a honeymoon. The arrangements were made and all necessary considerations (bribes) given to keep the ceremony a secret from the wrong people. 

So there was Richard alone in a hotel room, dressing in a white cotton shirt with white linen suit, knowing James would be wearing the same thing and smiling as he imagined how good he’d look in it, not unlike the time he showed up in Patagonia wearing a similar suit. Richard was debating whether to forget how to breathe or throwing up when his phone chimed with a text from James:

_Baby let's get married,_   
_We've been alone too long._   
_Let’s be alone together,_   
_Let's see if we're that strong._   
_Let's do something crazy,_   
_Something absolutely wrong_   
_While we’re waiting for the miracle,_   
_For the miracle to come._

Richard smiled. _Larkin?_ he texted.

 _Leonard Cohen_ came the reply. _Only song of his I know. Thought it was appropriate._ There was a pause. _I can't wait to see you._

_Now that doesn't make you sound like a 13 year old girl. But what 13 year old knows Leonard Cohen?_

_Not many_ James answered. _Has Wilman kept you busy today?_

_All day. What about you and Clarkson? Are you still sober?_

_Pleased to announce both of us are sober. He thinks it might be illegal for the Officiate to be drunk at the ceremony. We’ll get drunk later._ Richard couldn't help but laugh, because Andy had kept him sober against his will all day, too. Apparently almost everyone was planning on getting drunk later. 

There was a knock on the door and Andy entered, wearing the same linen suit; this had been his idea, the matching outfits for the men, a fashion statement surprising from a man who thought dressing up meant a pair of khaki pants. “It's nearly time,” he said to Richard. 

Richard blew out a breath sharply, trying to keep his stomach from flipping. _Andy's here,_ he texted James. _See you soon. Love you._

 _Love you_ James texted in reply. 

***

When looking back, Richard would never be able to give a detailed description of the ceremony. James, by his very nature, would, but never him. At heart, Richard Hammond was an artist, whether writing or painting or photography or playing his bass guitar. So what he was given were images and emotions. Vivid and powerful, filled to bursting snapshot moments.

There was the warm white sand on the beach with the setting sun in the background and the tropical breeze. The sound of the ocean filling his soul. There was Jeremy resplendent in his matching linen; he’d found a way to get himself ordained online so he could officiate and be a part of this. There were his nearly-grown daughters in matching white sun dresses, blonde and fair Isabella and darker Willow: how like and yet unlike they were in look and personally to Mindy and him, yet far better, their best achievement. There was Mindy herself, and his family, and James’ family. There was Andy.

Then there was James, his blue eyes dancing, the light from the sunset giving a glow to his face that already seemed to shine with an inner light. Richard could never recall a time James looked more gloriously beautiful than in that moment. Then James was  
taking his hands and smiling at Richard, a full radiant smile that always told him the state of this man’s joy.

“For once I am going to be serious here…” Jeremy began. From there he told of how he met them, their ups and downs, and the last experience that nearly ended them all, but whenever there was doubt, one or both would always remember love was involved, something they couldn't escape no matter how hard they tried. There was laughing and nodding among their loved ones, but inside Richard was touched as he could see Jeremy's rapid blinking, his clue Clarkson was fighting tears. The guy would deny it later, claiming the wind or sunlight or the salt spray was bothering him despite having his back to all of that. But Richard knew better. Jeremy never wanted people to know how emotional he really was.

“As you’d expect from two writers James and Richard have written their own vows,” Jeremy announced. “For once I hope we won't hear about the Nurburgring or brake horsepower, or pound feet of torque. And I hope in May’s case we won't get too technical.” Everyone laughed.

Richard gripped James’ hands tighter and took a deep breath. “James,” he began. “It took a few near-deaths between us to get to this point. And when it would happen I’d always come back to the same thing--that I really couldn't do this without you. Whenever there were questions about recovery or getting back to normal there was always the knowledge you would be with me and I would be with you. I love you that much. And I promise I will always be with you.”

“It's funny how things are,” James said, looking deeply into Richard's eyes. “I had actually given up. I knew I deserved love but I couldn't have it. And then you were there and I was allowed to have the love I wanted. Not right away, but I waited. And good things come to those who wait. Along the way I've come close to having that love taken away from me, but never by you. And I promise I will make sure you deserve to keep that love as well.”

Then suddenly Andy was giving rings to Izzy and Willow, who gave them to Richard and James. More vows were exchanged as the rings were slipped onto their fingers. 

“There have been times I thought I'd never get to say this,” Jeremy announced, echoing a time long ago when he'd said something similar to bring his mate back to an audience after having nearly lost him. His tone was soft and shaky and now the tears were clearly there. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you married. You may kiss each other.”

As James reached in and Richard placed his hands on James’ shoulders, Richard whispered, “Now I truly belong to you.”

Their kiss was gentle and light, filled with a sweetness both men found satisfying. As James pulled away he looked at Richard with his glittering eyes and replied, “Now we truly belong to each other.”

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for now. I never thought I'd write this story, but Hammond's latest accident changed that, and has apparently led to some RL changes that dovetail into this work of fiction. Google it. Anyway, thanks always to everyone who's read and commented on all my stories. And hopefully there will be other stories in the future.


End file.
